| It has been just near a year since I made the choice to move to Lake Tahoe to chase after a life of independence and scene change. It has been a great experience in recognizing things which I really valued, things I discovered did not matter much, and how lonely life is when you're just going through the motions with moderately invested people around you. This is when family really matters. Being the social person I believe myself to be I have once again stumbled over some of the same issues involving my co dependent ways. How did I solve them? Well I didn't, I suffered through them. The lake has to be one of the most amazingly breathtaking places in North America. With hiking and much of the outdoors at your disposal this place is the ideal outdoorsmen's dream..... I, however am not that man. I'm a city boy with city values. I care people around me all the time. The quiet of the night is the only thing I can get up here that I cant always find back at home and that's just fine with me.
This experience has allowed me to be able to change my attitude about people around me and despite me recent slip in attitude back to how things were down south I am hopeful that I am learning to grow and accept things for just how they are... I'm going to have to. Still a struggle in my brain to accept When I do I can see my heart shine. When I don't I have that horrible coating around me that screams "careful I'm not feeling ya"
Even though my hopes in coming up here might not have fully panned out I'm still happy that I did it. It made me feel that I was not trapped into what I had to do and where I had to stay but rather gave me hope that I was young and able and could seek out what ever I wanted.. within reason.
So my hopes in moving back home is to enabled me to have futher mobility and get my credentials as well as take on a 9-5 job where I could explore other fields outside of starbucks. Being home will be different.. but not bad. Having people around who are supportive of my progress will be a plus for sure.
Time will tell. I leave a week from today and dispite my excitment in moving back to LA there will definitly be a part of me left in tahoe The quiet can not be beat.
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| You showed up in my dreams last night to huant me once again. I waited it through to see if things would have changed but everything was as it was. I saw him and he just smiled because he saw me going through the very thing he did. The very poor ideas he commited to you as I did. I'm not sure what I would tell you at this point if I came face to face with you. Maybe cry like a baby like I did last time. I thought I was strong willed by that point. I seeked out closure but ended up just reopening the cut. It's funny in the dream I saw your sister the same way I saw you which confused me more. I know you're married now and likely have 2 kids. I'm sure you're happy too. You likely teach somewhere as your parents did in a sleepy little town on the coast. Happy as a clam. Never aware of the new choices I have made on account of yours. I keep on seeing your face in people I come across. Your big expressive laugh your thin smile and small nose. You haunt me still even from across the ocean ten thousand miles away. |
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| productivity is beauty for my soul. |
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| Lord grant me a still heart so that I can see what I need to. Grant me patience and a grace fill lifestyle so that any uncertainties or moments when I want to falter you are their to support me. You know me fully. Your know I feel this intense desire to lose these feelings of hate and disgust. Grant me peace of mind lord so that I can go out there and represent you lord. Grant me strength of character so that I can continue to move forward toward building a life for myself that I can shine for others. Take this hurt from my heart lord and clear out this cloud of unproductivity away from me. Grant my family strength to be hard on me when they need to and for me to hard on myself when needs be. Push me lord to do things outside of my comfort and support. Allow me new avenues so that I can climb an environment where I am fully comfortable with my surroundings. Most of all lord and I cant say it enough.. allow me the opportunity to represent you. |
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